Facing Tomorrow
by ilovetvalot
Summary: Sometimes the only thing to be done is to wade through the murky depths of your pain. Written in memory of my son.


_**Author's Note: Yes, my dear friends, this is a self-indulgent piece, but I couldn't not write it. This is for all the parents that bear the ache of empty arms.**_

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**Facing Tomorrow**

He never knew that tears could have sound until he heard them falling from her eyes.

And as he climbed from the SUV, he'd never felt more useless in his life, powerless to stop the oncoming ocean of agony . He couldn't stop what was happening to her. Hell, it was happening to both of them.

Year after year, it was the same thing. The same inevitable pain. For fifty-one weeks a year, they put on their happy faces, playing their parts of loving parents and spouses to perfection. But, for this one horrible week, they allowed themselves to sink into despair, to feel the loss...the void tragedy had left in their lives.

And today...today was the culmination of every iota of pain that threatened to overtake their very souls.

Carefully walking through the deserted cemetery, he purposefully kept his footsteps light so as not to alarm her. She was jumpy enough this week, her nerves frayed and tangled.

He understood. It wasn't as if she was alone in this hell on earth.

Somehow, he and she had become members of this all too exclusive club, and, unfortunately, their membership was for life. No matter how many years they dutifully paid their dues, their attendance was demanded for this yearly remembrance. And the pain, while duller as time passed, sharpened to a well honed blade on this one single day every year.

Grimacing, it was obvious as he watched his wife's shoulders shake as she sat on the hardened earth that she was being flayed with it now and he damned the capricious fates for the choices they'd made.

"Bella," he said softly, dropping to the ground behind her and pulling her shaking body against his chest. "You were supposed to wait for me," he admonished quietly against her ear, sweeping her hair to the side as she pressed in closer.

"I tried," she whispered, clutching his arm as it wrapped around her, searching for an anchor…her anchor. "I just couldn't face the kids this morning. Didn't want them seeing mommy doing her impression of a basket case," she offered with a watery chuckle, fighting another round of tears. "I knew you'd know where to find me."

That was true, David thought grimly. Her routine of the past eight years was set in stone, never varying. From morning until noon, she'd sit here at their second child's final resting place, reliving every moment of his short life in her mind. He knew all about it; he'd been the guy sitting right beside her doing the exact same thing. Every year, they'd question the decisions they'd made. They'd ask themselves what they could have changed. They'd wonder if they'd waited one more day to release their little boy from the prison his body had become, if THAT would have been the moment the miracle came. They'd take turns asking unanswerable questions.

And then, finally, they'd come to the same conclusion they did every year.

As hard as it was to accept, there simply were no answers.

"I miss him so much," she whispered, her voice so shattered it broke his heart all over again. "Before him, I never knew such a short life could have such a lasting impact. Two months, David. We only had him two months," she managed to say with a cracking voice that fell into a whisper, "And it's like it was a whole lifetime."

"It was a whole lifetime for him, Bella. And you filled it with as much love and joy as you could," he soothed against her hair, needing to be near her as much as she needed him. "We both did."

"But it wasn't enough," she denied angrily, her fingers tightening in his shirt as the old anger welled inside her, overpowering her thoughts. "He's supposed to be here with us...playing Little League with Henry...catching bugs with Jacob...fighting with his baby sister...LIVING!" she sobbed against his chest.

"I know," he breathed, tightening his grip around her as she fractured in his arms, her sobs coming fast and furious.

"I wish it had been me," she cried against him, her small fist striking him ineffectually.

"Don't say that," Dave winced, remembering those dark days when it very nearly was both of them. Losing his second son had been torture enough; but, losing his mother, too...that was unfathomable.

"We aren't supposed to outlive our children," JJ railed, her argument familiar, the thoughts now a touchstone in her mind. "It violates every law of nature. How could God allow it? How? We were good parents! We did every single thing the doctors told us. I don't understand why," she screamed, her words echoing in the silent cemetery.

What could he say? He didn't have any answers eight years ago...and time hadn't offered any gratifying explanations. "I don't know," he replied honestly, hating himself for not being able to give her what she wanted…what they both needed.

"Our son was robbed, David," JJ sobbed, her voice rising. "Robbed of all the tomorrows he was supposed to have had! How is any of this fair?"

Unable to offer her anything substantial, he simply held her closer as the storm of emotion battered her...battered them. Feeling her begin to calm, her tense shoulders slowly loosening as she leaned heavier against him, he whispered, "I wouldn't change any of it, Bella. Even if I'd known how it was going to end, I wouldn't trade those months for anything in the world. A moment with him was worth the pain of a lifetime without him."

Shuddering as the last tear slipped down her face, JJ nodded against his chest, her throat tight. "It was. He was perfect."

"He certainly was," Dave murmured, as an image of his son's rounded face filled his mind.

"It's never going to get any easier, is it?" she asked, sagging against her husband, the familiar pain giving way to the also familiar despair.

"I don't think so," he whispered back, tightening his arm around her as he pressed a soft kiss to her hair. "We just have to live through it...survive it. I think that's the best we can hope for," he replied honestly.

Nodding her acceptance, her eyes fell on the monument to her son's short life. "Do you think he'll know us when we get to the other side? He was so small...so young...what if..."

"I think our boy will no us anywhere," Dave replied vehemently, stopping her before she could travel yet another path. "I don't think he's taken his eyes off of us, Bella."

"I hope not," she replied, her voice small as she reached out a finger to press against the granite.

"I know it," Dave promised against her temple. Spying the bag by her hip, he smiled. "What did you bring for him this year?" he asked gently, knowing that she'd brought something for their son.

Reaching slowly for the bag at her side, JJ lifted it in her lap as she straightened. "Jacob chose it this year. It was his turn," she said, wiping her eyes. "He thought the doll his sister sent last year was too girly, so this year, it's an all boy gift," she replied, extracting the small Transformer robot from the interior of the bag.

Dave watched as she carefully placed it between a matchbox car and a plastic dinosaur. Lips quirking, he nodded. "He made a good choice."

"He did," JJ agreed, forcing herself to smile over his shoulder. Silent for a few minutes, she finally asked without looking at him, "Now, what?"

Taking his wife's hand in his, Dave helped her back to her feet. "Now," he whispered, touching the gravestone with a tender hand, "We tell our son we love him and we go home and try to face another tomorrow together."

Nodding, JJ swallowed the emotion clogging her throat and lifted her chin defiantly against the pain. Stepping forward, she bent to kiss the white marble angel. "Mama loves you, Noah," she whispered as another wave of pain crashed against her, almost buckling her knees. Almost…but not quite. "I haven't forgotten you and never will."

"Neither of us have," Dave said softly, caressing the tombstone lovingly. "Keep watch over us, son. We love you."

Wrapping his arm around her, Dave guided her slowly away.

As painful as it was, life refused to wait for them.

_**Finis**_

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_**Written in loving memory of our son, Elijah Michael Byers (2/27/03 - 4/27/03). You're gone from our earth, but never our hearts. I love you.**_

_**Mama**_


End file.
